“It’s sad when people you know become people you knew; when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you use to be able to talk for hours and how now you can barely even look at them. It’s sad how times can change.”—- Henry Rollins (via thechocolatebrigade)
"Nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that’s because it’s all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someones’ ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it’s the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like."
I’m honestly over it. Call me a lonely cynical bitch or whatever, but seriously I don’t really see the point in it anymore. Everytime I start to fall for someone, I end up tattered and in tears because they hurt me.
Just recently I fell for a boy. I fell for him hard.
I find it so dificult to just talk to guys that I don’t really know. I get shy and goofy and I pretty much say nothing, but I just instantly felt at ease around him. This past new years was the best new years I have ever had, there was about two hours where I sat outside and chatted with this boy and his clique, just talking about whatever. We started to hang out a bit afterwards, and I started to develop feelings for him and he said he had feelings for me too. He went travelling for a few weeks but we stayed in contact everyday, always messaging each other and I just fell even more for him. I have huge trust issues but I was never distrusting towards him or anything, I only missed him.
People told me things about him, rumors were spread and he always denied them and I chose to beleive him.
I felt the most amazing connection with him. We would sit on my bed and just talk for hours. We never watched movies or anything we just talked and talked, and laughed and cuddled and had tickle fights and whatever else.
Some reason or another, his feelings for me are gone. One day he was saying he wanted things to move forward and the next there was no more “xox”s at the end of messages and I was being told what a good friend I was. I tried to deal with it and act like I was fine and we remained in contact, due to me suffering severe depression and him being the only person who knew why, he wanted to help.
The last time I saw him I told him he had to tell me to my face that he no longer had feelings for me because otherwise I couldn’t move on. He said it and I felt myself fall apart.
I didn’t love him, but I definately cared enough to feel an ache in my heart. I have not spoken to him since that day. I’ve not responsed to any messages he has sent, not because I hate him but because it hurts too much and Im not at a point where I am able to be just friends with him, because he was never just a friend to me.
And I won’t lie, it hurts going from messaging someone every single day to not speaking to them, and it hurts to think that maybe they lied about ever havin feelings for you, and it hurts to hear people talk about him, and it just hurts a lot to want someone who hurt you so bad, and to know they are happy to carry on with their life without you in it.
If by some chance this boy is reading this, consider this my last confession. I miss having you in my life, and I wish I could talk to you.
So I guess this scenario was kind of my last straw. After my last relationship ended seven months ago, I swore I’d never let another guy get close to me and get past the walls I built around myself. But I let them come down for him and now I’m vulnerable.
I dont believe guys when they say shit to me anymore. I won’t believe them if they say they have feelings for me, or if they say they think I’m beautiful or if they say they don’t sleep around.
It’s all lies and I’m done. I’m done caring and crying and whatever.
So why should I believe in love? I wanted to, I wanted to so much, but I just can’t hold on to the hope of one day being in a happy commited relationship because it hurts too much to be let down when it doesn’t happen.
These walls around me will now be impossible to break down. I won’t let anyone in again. If one day by some chance, by some fcking miracle I happen to be in a happy commited relationship it will be because some guy persisted enough to break down these walls because he was genuine and actually felt something for me, not because he wanted to fuck me, but I’m very doutbful that will happen.
So that’s that, i will live my life how I want to. I will work my two, soon to be three, jobs and party with my friends and hang with my family. I will never again cry to my mother over a boy.